Just consolidating the ramblings I put here over the last few days 1, 2, 3..

Sunday 3/25 Just one
Mood: Shame
"It's cold. I can barely move these last 2 days. God, it seems too long to have to fight for air from under this burying, the little betrayls I try to ignore, they come and return. I'm just strong enough to fight since the moment I was born, that still doesn't make me want to be in the ring. Say whatever you like, I'm no bloody boxer, not even of the shadows. But it seems the emptiness is the only thing that really tries to take my hand in the torturing times. If only you knew. I don't grasp back. My only wish is that it were something else, even a brush of a gentle, strong hand, or a breeze, just a breeze0 thunder is too much to ask- and then for even just a flittering moment, the renewed faith of the young, its delicate flourishing, that moment when good is something stronger and entirely apart from evil. A breath. Just one. It comes, I know, there's something like joy sometimes. But it doesn't feel like enough."

Monday 3/26 Wow
Mood: Neutral
"click, click, click.
you wouldn't think things would align so easily. practically saying 'hurry up!' well shit, it's hard to get used to the icky bits. or if every little thing were going to align like that, you'd think maybe 'gud' would maybe just go ahead and take care of it for me somehow :sigh: i hope that's not bad.Sorry I don’t want comments on this. Sorry this is not coherent. Sorry I have to just keep doing this until I don’t anymore."

Tuesday 3/27-Sorry
Mood: Fear
"Sorry, this isn't very coherent. I wish it was. I'm just going to do this unitl I'm done.

My conundrum really lives in the fact that in the social world that I’ve known for too long- essentially it pays to be mean, to not be honest, even to treat people badly- certainly much more than it does to be the opposite really. Within this community there's a certain ethos, a certain set of mores that are generally different from the rest of the world. Central among them is a kind of insistence on 'edginess'- for lack of a better word. Also central is 'freakiness'- both of the above about 90% of the time involve a higher than average incidence of drug/alcohol/sexuality use/misuse. There’s a subtle expectation of a certain kind of accomplishment, a certain kind of world view that gets repeated and repeated. There’s a near worship of power and even more subtlety, of abuse, self-abuse, absence of personal accountability, responsibility or moral center. And it’s all in the name of ‘radical individualism.’ Or, sometimes it’s just called ‘weird’- and more weird is better. There is creativity, but most often a rather low or absurd form, or just basically anything that can be said to exist due to or in support of any of the above. There exceptions to all of this, of course. But not often enough. And there are many people who are often better-intended, but who usually follow at one time or another, the above ‘rules’- out of a necessity to belong. (See ‘group think’ I guess.) You might say, well just get out, just walk away- but it’s spread all around me like quick sand, to every escape route I can think of, even to the heart of the only church I’ve ever really known. And I’m stuck. (Or just really stupid.) Or I think it’ll just follow me anyway somehow. I’m the one who says too much, sees too much, feels too much. The stones thrown at the glass house are always in my hands. Not because I ever wanted them to be. But just because I’m too sensitive. And I got taken asunder a bit too much. And even if they hadn’t been, I’ve been branded, hundreds of times, even in my sleep. Such an easy target. There’s a lot of people who it ends up, just don’t wish me well in whatever way then don’t, for whatever myriad of reasons.

And the most important thing I guess is this- there is a part of me who in the past, upon realizing that the only person(s) I’ve probably ever loved really wish me the worst of all- would have taken that as reason alone to rise up in defiant battle. But now I think it’s just the one thing that really is too much. Who really wants to fight through that alone? How many times? For what? What’s left to fight for? There isn’t a reckoning, or anything new, really it’s just more of the same, too much of the same And it is maddening after a long time. So what if ‘they’ win, he wins, they get their way then- because I never signed up to be in a war in the first place, I’m tired, I'm terrible at it."